*Only because the No 10 website won't let you email a message much longer than a twitter thing, whatever one of those is.
Said letter ran as follows (bear with it, it's bloody long):
24 February 2011
Dear Prime Minister
Re: A Plan for Minimising the Violent Transition of Power When Autocratic Regimes Collapse
I write to you concerning a plan that I have lately presented to the Secretary-General of the United Nations, Mr Ban Ki-moon, for defusing tensions as autocratic regimes begin to collapse, thus avoiding bloodshed of the kind currently seen in Libya. As a respected international statesman, I am confident that you have the qualities to lobby on my behalf and persuade Mr Ban to adopt my proposal. Also, the rules of the United Nations preclude their being able to adopt any proposal not made by an Official Representative of a Member State, which you are (or at least the Ambassador to the UN is, and as his boss I have the fullest confidence that you can persuade him to present this proposal). As a further incentive to lobby for my plan, I am convinced that the Nobel Peace Prize Committee would look upon the proposal most favourably, and I feel that Mr Ban would, like myself, be happy to share the prize (which I understand is perfectly permissible within the rules of the Nobel Foundation) with a third party – I am sure I need not spell out who I have in mind, Prime Minister...
My proposal is simple, though not necessarily just. It is simply this: that a remote tropical island, perhaps in the Indian Ocean, be mandated under United Nations governance and protection and set aside as a sort of superannuated retirement home for ex-dictators. Luxury accommodation could be built for the ex-dictators and their families (if need be), with entertainment facilities provided, and enough of the money they stole could be kept by them to keep them in comfort until they die (the rest of their ill-gotten gains would be repatriated to their countries). The ex-dictators would be guaranteed immunity from prosecution, but only if they agreed to be exiled there for the rest of their lives.
How would this prevent violence such as that unleashed in Libya by Colonel Gaddafi? It seems to me that part of the reason for his clinging on to power with such desperation is because he feels he has nowhere else to go. Mubarak was able to retire to the seaside because his rule, while repressive, was never as nakedly brutal as Gaddafi’s. Even Idi Amin was able to retire to Saudi Arabia. But Gaddafi has no such option, and having got on the wrong side of so many national leaders it is incredible to think that any state would grant him asylum. And when numerous international organisations call – justly, it must be said – for Gaddafi to be prosecuted for war crimes, the man himself probably believes that unless he fights he will only end up on the end of a rope, like Saddam, so it is easy to see why we are in the situation we find ourselves in.
But what if my proposed retirement island existed now? Imagine the scenario: popular sentiment in Libya grows against Gaddafi, protests start, his forces try but fail to quell the uprising. At this point, with the situation on the brink of spiralling out of control, the United Nations steps in and tells Gaddafi: “The writing is on the wall, now is the time to go. If you step down now, avoiding bloodshed, you can retire in luxurious exile, immune from prosecution. Refuse, and face the consequences.” Chances are he – or any other dictator in his position – would opt to retire.
Okay, it isn’t just; he won’t pay the price for his crimes. But it would avoid a lot of bloodshed, senseless death and waste. And there is also the entertaining possibility that as the years rolled by and the island filled up with more and more ex-dictators, being such power-mad egomaniacs they might try to impose their power on each other in a sort of geriatric version of ‘The Lord of the Flies’.
I am sure that this plan will make a major contribution towards World Peace, and I have total confidence in your ability to ensure that my plan is presented to the United Nations and adopted by the entire world.
Yours sincerely
McTodd
Imagine my utter disgust when The Grauniad ran this editorial comment on Saturday 9 April.
The air was rendered several shades of blue in the McTodd household**, the phrase fucking thieving bastards being only the most printable quote...
Some weeks later I received a postcard from No 10 acknowledging receipt of the letter. However, to the best of my knowledge, no moves have yet been made to put this Guaranteed Nobel Peace Prize Winning Plan into practice***, and Mr Ban Ki Moon never even so much as emailed me back. So much for the UN.
**Saturday being the only day I will actually part with my hard-earned for The Grauniad. Any other day and the air in my place of work would have been similarly rendered.
***I am keeping a sharp eye on the situation - there's no way I'm letting anyone claim all the glory for themselves and thus screwing me out of my part of the Nobel Prize, no way at all.
